a ride home from walmart

May 24, 2012

After a long day of not feeling well, desperately trying to organize my life, work, and trying to give my little one all the attention I could, I was completely spent. We haven't had food in the house for three days and Michael has been asking me for three days when we are going to go grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping. I hate meal planning. I actually don't really love to cook either. Mostly because I hate trying to find meals that don't cost a lot of money and where I can overlap ingredients. Its just not a process I am cut out for. I usually go to grocery store and spend more than our budget says I can and come home to a frustrated husband. All the while feeling overwhelmed and feeling like I am a failing wife (pressure I put on myself).

So last night at the end of my rope emotionally, I drove to Walmart to see if I could save a little on groceries. When I got there I remembered Sydney needed some bigger onesies, socks, a few PJ's, baby fruits and veggies, baby oatmeal cereal, among a few other things. As I picked each item off the shelf the tears welled up more and more. I felt so hopeless. I felt like I was having to decide between things my little girl needed between the proper nutrition of my husband. I knew every item I got for her, meant less money to spend on groceries. We just didn't have the money. So I stood there and had a full on twenty minute cry - trying to choose between apples and peaches or green beans and squash baby food. As I looked at my cart, my heart ached. I knew I only had about $20 left for groceries. So I picked up some basics; pasta, pasta sauce, bananas, milk, eggs, and bread and headed to the check out. I made it through without totally losing it as I gave the sweet lady the money. As I walked to the car, I could hardly see through my tears. I loaded the groceries and sat in the front seat.

I wondered at this moment how we were going to keep living like this. Maybe it was too soon to have children. Maybe everyone who gave us such a hard time about starting a family early were right. Maybe I would have to get a full time job. Maybe Michael would have to put school on hold. Maybe all these stupid side projects were a waste of my time. Maybe we were irresponsible parents. The fears I never said out loud just started replaying through my mind. As I desperately tried to understand what I was feeling, I felt an impression to say a prayer. So there I was in the middle of the Walmart parking lot, head bowed and pouring my soul to my Heavenly Father. Within a few minutes I felt a calm peace and the scriptures about hope I had been studying the night before came flooding into my mind.




I felt strengthened and thankful that I had studied these the night before so that they could be brought back into my mind by the spirit. I knew Heavenly Father was answering my prayers and telling me to have hope and hold on a little longer.

All the fears I felt were replaced with hope. Hope and faith that we are going to be fine. Some weeks will likely be better than others, but somehow it will all work out, like it always has. I have such a testimony of paying tithing and I know as we put our lives in God's hands and do all we can, he will not forsake us. I have learned that I need to put my trust and faith in God. It isn't always as bad as I think it is. God answers my prayers.

As I gathered myself together and headed home, my heart felt so much better. My husband opened the door and just hugged me. Somehow he knew it had been a difficult trip for me. (Maybe because it took over an hour.) We went inside and quietly crept into our dear little Sydney's bedroom. As I felt the warm embrace of my husband's arms around me and looked down at my beautiful sleeping baby, I could not be more sure that this was not only the right time, but the most blessed time to have this little girl in our life and start our family. I know that God is watching over us and protecting us. And he even takes the time to lift us up when we fall flat on our face - even sitting in the car in the parking lot of Walmart. For that, I am forever thankful.

21 comments:

  1. This is so perfect!!! Thank you for sharing because it was something I really needed to hear. Also, if you ever want tips on meal planning and grocery shoppig, give me a call. I love meal planning and might have a few things to share to help make it more enjoyable. Over the last few months I've only gone over budget once or twice by a couple dollars and haven't ever skimped on meals.
    Thanks again for all the joy and love you share!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Kelsey I would seriously love that. I try and try to meal plan, but some how it just doesn't work out and I can never stay on budget. I can't wait to meet your little princess! Are you just loving be a momma?! xo

      Delete
  2. Beautiful post Jessica. I love how honest you are. I can totally relate to this. Meal planning and staying on budget will get easier the more you do it. It took me a really long time to get ahold of it, but now I really enjoy it. I do a lot of recipe searching online, and I look through cookbooks a lot- I even check some out at the library. I also don't waste money on any special ingredients that ill only use once while the rest of it sits in the fridge. It will all work out:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your sweet comment laura! You give me hope that someday I will figure how to do this better! xo

      Delete
  3. Thank you for posting this. I don't know you-- just another blogger. I'm due in about a month and the same worries creep into my mind these days too. It's nice to see someone post something real and true.
    I'm scared of our future, losing my job that i hate, and the money or lack of it, and every little thing.
    This is a beautiful post. Remembering what's really important is what matters.
    Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi - thanks so much for the support. I try to be real and true to help other people, but really because I love the immense support/advice and feedback I get from people. It helps me so much to know I am not the only one. How exciting that you are due soon! The next few months will be some of the most tender and special of your whole life. I hope everything goes well!

      Delete
  4. Ah sometimes your posts almost bring me to tears! I can totally relate to this {even without a baby}! I HATE grocery shopping and have heard Jesse utter those same words! lol! It's so stressful trying to stay in budget yet plan good, well balanced meals. I've thought those same things and felt the same way on so many occasions. Being young married students can be overwhelming, but like you said, Heavenly Father is looking out for us. He knows we are trying our best!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kim you are so kind. I totally know how you feel! I am glad I am not the only one. I really try to love grocery shopping, but its just one of those things that overwhelms me and stresses me out! Thanks for the support xo

      Delete
  5. Jessica - I can completely relate to this! But having a supportive husband makes all the difference and you have to remember that (even thought it's hard sometimes!) There are some days that are so frustrating, you feel like you're never going to pull through, but then again... these will be the days that you and your husband look back so fondly on and remember as "the good old days" where it was just the two of you and your baby and even though there were struggles, there is also a simple sort of happiness that comes with these sort of times too that can easily get lost later in life.
    Remember - don't let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life... I saw this on Pinterest and tell this to myself when I get down. I know it's a bit extreme, but it's easy to let bad days spill over onto everything.
    One last thing - you have a great perspective, and that's what matters. At the end of the day, you came home and appreciated exactly what's important in life :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are so right! These are the "good old days" that someday I will be able to look back and laugh at the things that stressed me out. But I do need to enjoy them because even though they are difficult they are SO good. They allow us to appreciate things we wouldn't otherwise. Perspective is grown through hardships. Thank you for your sweet support!

      Delete
  6. Hope will work wonders! I know what you mean though, kind of. We are starting our family and my hubby is constantly reminding me to not stress so much about money. It will work out! Did you know that walmart price matches everything??? You may already do that, but I just learned it myself! The fun, cheap, or free queen (blogger) teaches you all about it. Its wonderful. Also, I learned a lot about making your own baby food. Its super easy and waaaaaayyyy cheaper. Just a thought! I love your blog and look forward to reading it everyday- keep it up!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your words. Its funny having a baby turns your world upside down - in a good way! But you are right stressing about money doesn't really change anything. And my sister told me about walmart adn price matching. I need to do that! Such a good idea! Also, I have started making baby food on my own, but I am pretty picky on it being organic after doing some research so sometimes I don't have time to go to the Natural Foods store. Ah! I will figure it all out someday! haha

      Delete
  7. Sorry to be totally creeping on your blog lol, I know we haven't talked/seen each other since high school, but I just wanted tell you how much I can relate to this, especially coming from someone who grew up in the area that we did. My husband and I don't have kids yet, but it's been a challenge living off of one income while I have been in school and if someone had told me in high school that half my wardrobe would be from Target someday and I would be driving an old, beat-up car that breaks down oh I don't know...every 6 months or so lol (we can't quite afford a new one yet), I would've told them they are crazy. It's definitely a big adjustment and you are definitely not alone in this. Sometimes I have to sit back and realize what and who are really important, like you did, and also remind myself that it won't be like this forever. Also, like you mentioned in your post, faith in God is so important. He will provide for us and these tough times just make us stronger and also humble us. Thanks for this post, and for being so honest. :-) Best wishes to you and your little family!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kristen!! You are so kind and I am so happy to hear from you! Thank so much for sharing the support - it helps me so much to know I am not the only one that goes through these moments. Do you have a blog? I would love to keep updated with you!

      Delete
    2. Yes! It's kristenandbora.blogspot.com! It's not quite up to par with yours (yours is amazing, I love it), but I try haha :-)

      Delete
  8. Jessica, i admire you. your courage and faith are such an example to me. I cried reading this because I related to your experience when we were first married and it was terrifying. Thanks for sharing this. I'd really really like to see you again. love you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. when taylor and I first got married*

      Delete
    2. I've totally been there. Memories of my own came back to me as I read your post. I understand the heart ache, and you are right though. It will get better.
      I remember a story that your Dad told at a fireside once when he said that in the beginning of your parents marriage, there was a time that they were so poor that they ate potatoes for 2 weeks.
      Yah, 3 years later (Jason a el. ed. teacher and me a stay at home mom) and we still have a budget for groceries that we have to stick with or we get into trouble. :) It's ok though. Things do work out. We still find a way to feed the missionaries once a month, pay our tithing, heat/air condition our home, have clothes to wear, and food on the table. Just remember, the Lord always multiplies the bread. ;)

      Delete
    3. Oh mary I just love you! You are nicest friend, really, you are always so encouraging and thoughtful. You are such an example to ME! I would love to see you again lets get together!

      Adria- Such good perspective. Thank you for taking the time to share that with me, I couldn't agree more. I am so thankful for all the many blessings I have in my life - its so easy to overlook them with the stresses of life. I hope you and your darling family are doing well :) xo

      Delete
  9. Oh girl. I feel your pain with the grocery thing!! It gets easier when you ad-match at walmart!

    Thanks for being so honest. I love posts like these. Keep it up!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hi, we haven't ever met but I ran across your blog. And I know this is random, but I'm pretty sure your husband went to high school with me, but I never knew his name or met him lol did he go to Sunny Hills? Well anyways, I'm a newlywed and your post is very encouraging because I felt the same way about anything grocery shopping related...until recently! I still go out of budget but I find it comforting and relaxing to go by myself to shop. And I used to always go to Wal mart but now I go to a Korean market where I don't understand what the workers are saying, but it's way cheaper haha! I also love how you are a young mom. We aren't pregnant yet so I like learning from your posts :) My name is Leigh Ann by the way. Even though we haven't met I can tell you're a great mom and wife.

    ReplyDelete